


Now You're Lost

by youresoawkward



Series: Can Never Make Him Love Me [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dom/sub Undertones, M/M, Overstimulation, Pain Kink, Pinching, Slapping, Sounding, Unrequited Love, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-23 17:35:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4885675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youresoawkward/pseuds/youresoawkward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The slight step back that Liam takes is the only warning Zayn gets before Liam pulls his right hand away and brings it back down against the outside of Zayn’s thigh. Zayn keeps his eyes closed, reveling in the uncertainty of where Liam’s hand will land next. Every hard smack ringing through him, sending waves of pleasure over his skin. Liam keeps up a quick succession of harsh strikes, littering smacks across Zayn’s body, from his chest to the tops of his legs.</p><p>The pain radiates along his skin and Zayn feels more balanced in this moment than he has in months. The ache that’s always bubbling under the surface of his skin tempered by the physical sting of Liam’s ministrations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now You're Lost

**Author's Note:**

> this is set around july/august 2015 (i don't remember anymore) when 1D and zayn were allegedly in LA at the same time.
> 
> warnings for: self-harm ideation and references (i don't think it's explicit but i want to warn for it in case), depression, anxiety

Zayn’s stomach twists as he knocks on Liam’s hotel room door for the first time in months. He knocks softly, not wanting to draw the attention of anyone else on the floor.

The corridor is silent, and Zayn strains to listen for movement behind Liam’s closed door, failing to hear anything. He knocks again, louder this time, and waits.

Anxiety makes Zayn’s blood feel too hot under his skin, and his skin feel too tight around his bones. He hasn’t physically seen Liam in months, and they’ve barely spoken, save for Liam’s periodic _u ok?_ texts and Zayn’s brief replies ( _good thanks_ ). Except, Liam hasn’t asked him if he’s okay in weeks and it hurts more than Zayn thinks it probably should.

The release of the deadbolt clicks loudly in the quiet hallway, jarring Zayn out of his thoughts.

“Zayn?” Liam asks, sounding surprised even though Zayn thinks Liam must’ve known that they’re staying at the same hotel tonight. “What’re you doing here?”

At first he’d been hoping that the time apart would quiet the tension that had cropped up between them over the years. The tension Zayn created because he needed too much and took too much. He’d also hoped the time apart would serve to deaden the feelings he has for Liam. Feelings he’s had since they were both seventeen, because _maybe_ it was just circumstance. _Maybe_ if he could just get some space from Liam he’d snap out of it. But now, looking at Liam in the low light of the hotel hallway, Zayn knows he was wrong on both counts.

Liam stares at him like he can’t fathom why Zayn would be standing in front of him. Zayn knows it’s because of him that their friendship is so irreparably fucked and he can’t even blame Liam for his reaction. And, it’s just as well since he came here to ask Liam for more anyway.

Maybe tonight’s the night that he’ll completely destroy what little relationship they have left and Liam will finally tell him to fuck off permanently. Maybe it’d be better that way. Regardless, he knows now that he’ll never be able to stay away of his own accord.

“I just—I…” he can feel the flush heating his cheeks as he struggles to answer, wishing for the days when his words flowed freely for Liam.

“C’mon. Just come in.” Liam grabs the front of his shirt and tugs Zayn roughly through the doorway, letting the heavy, metal door slam behind them before he walks further into the room. Leaving Zayn to stand awkwardly near the entrance.

He could leave still, while Liam is distracted at the minibar. He could walk out the door, down the hall, up two floors, and be back in his room in less than five minutes. Then he could pretend like this never happened. He could pretend like he'd actually kept the promise he made to himself and stopped bothering Liam with his problem.

“You want a drink?” Liam calls to Zayn over his shoulder from where he’s already pouring amber liquid into a tumbler.

Instead of leaving like he should do, Zayn walks further into the room, stopping by the empty space near the bed. Not wanting to have to shout when he answers. “No. I’m fine.”

Liam shrugs and picks up the glass he poured for himself, turning to look at Zayn, but staying put at the other side of the room.

“Why are you here, Zayn?”

“Here in LA? Or—”

“Here in my room, Zayn,” Liam interrupts softly.

Liam is looking for the simple answer, Zayn has to remind himself. He doesn’t want to know about how Zayn’s barely slept since March. How he thought that the ache in his chest would go away if he could put some distance between them, but that it hasn’t. That sometimes he feels so restless in his body that he imagines slicing himself open and peeling his skin off just to get away from the feeling.

“I just wanted to see you is all. I’ve missed you,” Zayn tells him with a shrug. It’s true. He’s missed Liam every day since he left.

“I’ve been around. You didn’t have to wait ‘til we were in the same city to talk to me.”

“I know. I’ve just been…” _avoiding you_. The unspoken words hang in the silence between them for a moment before Liam speaks again.

“Why are you really here?” Liam takes a sip of his drink, eyes boring into Zayn, and waits.

The thing is, they've done this a million times and Liam already knows why he’s here. Already knows what Zayn is asking for. But he always makes Zayn say it.

Zayn closes his eyes just to get away from Liam’s gaze and licks his lips before he speaks. “I need you to touch me.”

There’s a gentle clink of glass hitting the table before Zayn hears Liam moving toward him. He keeps his eyes closed and the familiar smell of Liam’s cologne reaches his nose before he feels Liam’s hands on his hips, guiding him back slowly until his body is trapped between the wall and Liam.

Liam’s fingertips slip under his shirt to draw light circles onto his skin and the gesture makes the pain in Zayn’s chest flair until his limbs are numb with the ache.

“Is this what you want?” Liam’s voice is low and steady, and Zayn knows if he opens his eyes the look on Liam’s face will be genuinely questioning. Like he’d give Zayn whatever he asks for. Zayn feels terrible for taking advantage of that. Liam has always been so willing to please, to help out a friend, that he'd given Zayn everything he'd asked for without question, and now Zayn's paying the price.

He shakes his head in the negative before speaking. “I need you to hurt me. Liam _, please_?” Zayn begs him, finally opening his eyes again.

Liam nods and takes a step back. “Get your clothes off.”

Zayn is eager to comply, stripping off his clothing, and toeing off his shoes, grateful that Liam’s playing along instead of kicking him out.

Liam tugs his own shirt over his head before stepping back up to Zayn. “You sure?”

“Yes. Please just—”

The first hard smack to his chest interrupts Zayn’s pleading and knocks the wind out of him. The second smack follows swiftly, landing low on his abdomen, the skin there reddening instantly. The stinging pain makes his cock start to fill and the ache under his ribcage subside for a moment.

“God, Liam. Yes, that’s it.”

Rough palms run up Zayn’s sides, soothing over the stinging handprint on his belly before Liam takes both of Zayn’s nipples between his fingers and pinches hard, twisting the nubs until they're red and swollen.

Liam’s fingers trail over the bare expanse of Zayn’s chest and stomach, stopping to squeeze and wring biting marks into Zayn’s skin and the sharp pain is almost too much, but Zayn keeps his palms pressed flat to the wall at his sides. Not wanting to push Liam’s hands away because he’s needed this for so long, needed _Liam_ , and he feels like the pain is slowly leaking into the cracks that have formed over his skin, filling them up, making him whole again.

Liam brings his hands back to Zayn’s already tender nipples and digs his blunt thumb nails into each while pulling them roughly and the sensation causes Zayn to whimper out a moan, his hips jerking of their own accord.

The slight step back that Liam takes is the only warning Zayn gets before Liam pulls his right hand away and brings it back down against the outside of Zayn’s thigh. Zayn keeps his eyes closed, reveling in the uncertainty of where Liam’s hand will land next. Every hard smack ringing through him, sending waves of pleasure over his skin. Liam keeps up a quick succession of harsh strikes, littering smacks across Zayn’s body, from his chest to the tops of his legs.

The pain radiates along his skin and Zayn feels more balanced in this moment than he has in months. The ache that’s always bubbling under the surface of his skin tempered by the physical sting of Liam’s ministrations.

The blows stop as abruptly as they'd started and Liam returns to running gentle fingers over Zayn’s heated, already bruising skin. The new sensation makes Zayn tremble under Liam’s fingertips. “Zayn, look at me.”

Zayn breathes deep and keeps his eyes shut, not wanting to look Liam in the eye, embarrassed by how his prick is hanging heavy and wet between his legs, all from the damage Liam has leveled against him.

He’s so fucked up and he _hates_ it. Hates _himself_ for it. Hates himself for needing this; hates himself for not being able to deal with his pain on his own; hates himself for letting his feelings for Liam grow out of control and ruin their friendship. But mostly, he hates himself for asking Liam to do what he doesn’t have the guts to do to himself. Dragging Liam into his fucked up mess will forever be his biggest regret, but still, he’s too selfish to stop and Liam’s too nice to ask him to.

“Zayn. You’re shaking, babe. I need you to look at me and tell me this is still okay.”

Liam’s gentle hands are cupping his cheeks, thumbs running back and forth under his eyes. “I’m okay.” Zayn meets Liam’s concerned gaze. “Don’t stop. I’m fine. I swear.”

Liam looks into Zayn’s eyes for a moment and Zayn forces himself to not look away, afraid that Liam will stop this if he thinks Zayn’s lying.

“Okay.” Liam nods once. “C’mon. Come lay down at least.” Liam leads him to the bed and Zayn sets himself against the pillows.

Liam follows him onto the bed and taps lightly at Zayn’s foot, silently asking Zayn to spread his legs, allowing Liam to kneel in between them. He’s still wearing his sweatpants and Zayn can see the hard line of his dick through the material and the sight makes pride swell in his chest for a moment, but it’s forgotten when Liam reaches toward his chest again and rolls one of his already bruised nipples between his fingers.

The sudden pain makes Zayn hiss and a pearl of precum blurts from his cock. Liam uses his other hand to grasp Zayn’s length firmly, immediately setting up a quick rhythm. Liam’s grip is tight and his rough palm drags dryly against the sensitive skin of Zayn’s dick. It’s fast and rough and perfect, and Zayn fucks his hips up to meet Liam’s grip, mesmerised by the sight of the shiny, pink slit of his dick appearing from the circle of Liam’s palm with every thrust of his hips.

He’s close. Can feel the build of his orgasm low in his belly and he reaches down to cover Liam’s hand with his own, tightening their grip, coaxing his orgasm to the surface. His thighs tremble while his toes curl, and he’s _almost there_. Pleasure is rolling up his spine in waves and it mixes pleasantly with the dull throbbing covering his body.

He feels like he’s on the brink, so close to falling, but Liam doesn’t let him get there. Liam stops pumping his dick and pulls his free hand away from Zayn’s purpling nipple to squeeze roughly at Zayn’s balls. Liam’s grip is tight and the pressure immediately stops Zayn’s impending orgasm. He tries to will himself over the edge, desperate to come, but Liam’s grip is unrelenting, and Zayn hears the high pitched whine leave his throat before he can stop himself.

“Shhh. Don’t worry, babe. I’ll take care of you,” Liam tells him placatingly. Liam’s promise sends a shiver up Zayn’s spine, knowing that Liam will make good on it. “Put your hands on the bed.”

Zayn moves his hands from where they’re covering Liam’s, pressing his palms flat against the sheets, and Liam releases Zayn’s balls.

There’s a moment where Liam just looks over Zayn’s body, his hands tracing lightly up Zayn's sides and Zayn never feels more vulnerable than when Liam is looking at him like this. Like he can see all of the things that Zayn tries so desperately to keep hidden from him.

Liam shuffles closer, tucking his knees under Zayn’s thighs, keeping Zayn’s legs spread wide. Keeping him open and on display.

Zayn digs his fingers into the sheets to stop himself from reaching for his cock again. The need to come is starting to become painful, eclipsing the soreness in the rest of his body. “Liam. Liam, please, I need you to—” his thought is stopped short when Liam wraps his hand tight around his prick again. Liam rubs insistently around the head, pressing his thumb to the sensitive gland.

“God, you always get so wet, Zayn.” Liam isn’t looking at Zayn’s face when he speaks, instead keeping his eyes on the pink head of his cock. He drags the pad of his thumb over the tip, smearing the precum that’s bubbling out, making Zayn’s skin shine under the dim light in the room.

Liam presses his thumb nail hard against Zayn’s slit and the pain is sharp, making Zayn cry out and thrust his hips up.

“You like that, huh? Like when I finger your slit?” Liam does it again, pushes the blunt end of his thumb hard against the wet hole of Zayn’s dick and the pain is _so good_ he thinks he might pass out. Liam keeps up the rhythmic push of his thumb and wanks the rest of his length off quickly with his other hand.

The pressure of his orgasm builds again quickly and his hips rock up to meet the insistent pressure of Liam’s hands. He can hear himself letting out a low moan every time Liam pushes into his opening, but he’s too gone to care.

“Shit, Zayn. You like that? Like your slit being stretched? Think you could take more?” Liam pushes even harder against him and the burn of the stretch and the sharp of his nail make Zayn hiss in painful pleasure, more precum pushing out around Liam’s finger. Liam's voice is sex roughed and tinged with arousal, and Zayn will never get over getting to hear Liam like this. “Christ, next time I wanna see how much you can take. Get you nice and open. Maybe I can get you to take my little finger, love. Would you like that? Want me to fuck your slit, babe?”

"Fuck, yes, Li." The deep press of Liam's thumb to his slit and the promise of  _next time_ push Zayn over the edge. Come squeezes out from where Liam’s finger is pressed against his tip, and Liam continues to pump his hand over Zayn’s sensitive cock until Zayn’s whimpering at the touch.

Zayn’s heart hammers in his chest and he knows if he opened his eyes and looked down his body he’d be able to see the vibrations of it under his skin, along with the twitches of his muscles, his body trying to come down from the tense high of his orgasm.

Liam’s fingers press against his stomach, drawing a pattern Zayn can’t make out over his skin. A far away part of his brain is telling him he should move, because he’s still spread out in front of Liam, but a more immediate part of him doesn’t care.

When Liam’s fingers leave his skin the ache in Zayn's chest that he’d been able to allude for the last half an hour rushes back, because he knows Liam is about to pull away.

Except he doesn’t.

The hand that had been trailing along Zayn’s skin presses wet and sticky against Zayn’s entrance, Liam’s other hand pushing Zayn’s right leg back to give Liam room.

“Liam?” Zayn slurs out, as he forces his heavy eyelids open. “What’re you doin’?”

The skin of Liam’s chest is slick with sweat and his hair is curled and drooping against his forehead. He looks so fucking beautiful, crouched between Zayn’s legs, that it makes Zayn’s breath catch in his throat.

“Gonna make you come again.” Liam presses the wet pad of his finger against Zayn’s hole for emphasis.

“No, Li. I can’t. Not now.”

“I think you can,” Liam tells him as he sinks the tip of his finger past the initial resistance of Zayn’s body. He fucks in shallowly, pulling out slowly and pushing back in a bit farther. “Tell me to stop and I will.”

Zayn doesn’t tell Liam stop, and Liam continues to push in and out of Zayn slowly. The drag of his finger is dry despite Liam slicking up his fingers with Zayn’s come. Liam uses his free hand to gather the rest from Zayn's stomach, rubbing the wetness around Zayn’s rim, easing the push for a moment.

Zayn watches as Liam spits, the long strand dribbling down his skin until it meets Liam’s fingers and he uses the wetness to ease in a second finger. The stretch stings, but Zayn loves the feeling of being full. He especially loves the feeling of being filled by Liam. Even if he’s only ever had his fingers, nothing has ever made Zayn feel as good.

Liam watches his own fingers as he fucks them into Zayn, and Zayn wishes he could see himself being penetrated by Liam too. Wants to see his body stretching to accommodate Liam’s thick fingers. He wants to see his red, puffy rim swallowing Liam up, making room for him.

Instead he settles for reaching down to trace where his body and Liam’s hand meet, feeling the flex of Liam’s fingers as he crooks them up, searching for Zayn’s prostate. The first press against the nerves is light, just slight pressure.

“More. Liam. Harder, please,” Zayn whimpers, pushing his fingers against Liam’s knuckles for emphasis.

A satisfied smirk creeps across Liam’s features. “Like this?” He bends his fingers sharply to dig hard against Zayn’s prostate and rubs at the same time, keeping up the hard pressure, and Zayn’s hips shift down as his back arches. It’s too much and not enough at the same time.

Liam grabs onto Zayn’s hip to keep him still but his body moves against Liam’s hand without his permission, his cock already fattening up again against his hip.

“Touch yourself,” Liam commands.

Zayn does but he keeps his grip loose around his still sensitive dick, the pressure on his prostate and his hand around himself too much, causing him to squirm against the sheets. Liam’s fingers against his prostate are unrelenting, pushing hard and fast and barely giving Zayn a moment to breathe.

Liam wraps his own hand around Zayn’s and forces him to tighten his grip. “Fuck, Liam. ‘S too much, I can’t—’ he whimpers, his muscles trembling under his skin. Liam moves their hands fast across his length, the movement blurring in his vision, and Liam holds his fingers tight to Zayn’s prostate. Lets Zayn’s hips grind against his fingers, seeking his orgasm.

When Zayn comes again, it’s with a few weak spurts and tears streaming down his face from relief.

Liam pulls his fingers out of Zayn carefully. “Let me get something to clean you up,” he tells Zayn. “Don’t move.”

If Zayn had any energy he’d roll his eyes, because he couldn’t move yet if he wanted to. He watches Liam come back with a wet hand towel and he kneels on the bed at Zayn’s side as he uses the towel to wipe the drying remnants of come from Zayn’s chest and stomach. Then he reaches for his softening prick, running the towel gently against Zayn’s sensitive skin and muttering a soft apology when he hisses at the contact.

Finally Liam brings the towel between Zayn’s still spread legs and Zayn makes to close them on instinct. “Just let me clean you up quick, yeah?”

Zayn can’t look at Liam as he spreads his legs again for him, so he stares at the ceiling while Liam wipes the warm cloth over his raw hole, cleaning off the drying spit and come. Tears spring to his eyes as humiliation starts to bore into his bones; his skin beginning to feel too tight for his body again as he contemplates what Liam must think of him.

“All done,” Liam tells him, throwing the cloth onto the floor and tapping against the outside of Zayn’s knee until he pulls his legs closed again. Zayn can see Liam looking at him out of his peripheral vision and he takes a breath, trying to will away the wetness in his eyes and steel himself for the awkwardness that’s sure to follow their encounter. “You okay?”

He turns his head in Liam’s direction when he answers. “Yeah.” Liam’s still hard in his grey sweats, a dark, wet patch of fabric obvious around the head. “Want help with that?”

“Nah, man. I’m alright,” he tells Zayn as he reaches down to adjust himself, only making his hardness more obvious under the thin material. “This was for you.”

“Right.” A lump rises in his throat as he sits up, his skin sore, slowing his movements. “Well, thanks then.”

“Zayn—” Liam’s phone rings, loud and cutting over whatever Liam was going to say. Liam reaches quickly for the phone to silence the ringer and turn off the bright screen, but not before Zayn sees the caller’s name.

“You should probably get that,” Zayn tells him, and he climbs out of the bed, walking to where he left his clothes in a pile and starting to pull them on.

“Hey, babe,” Liam whispers into the phone, making his way toward the en suite and closing himself inside, away from Zayn.

 _Babe._ He’s going to be sick.

Zayn finishes dressing and leaves as quickly as his aching body will take him. Not wanting to have to look Liam in the eye again tonight.

Coming to Liam’s room tonight was a mistake. He knew it would be and he wants to promise himself that it was the last time. That he’ll finally do what’s best for both of them and give Liam space. But Zayn’s never been one to lie to himself, and he knows it’s a mistake he’ll continue to make. So long as Liam continues to open his door and let Zayn in.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm very sorry about this. but if you managed to make it to the end, thank you for reading.
> 
> if you happened to like this, please tell me because i just have no clue. not really sure how i feel about it and it sat in my drafts for a while before i posted. i probably already regret it lmao
> 
> [tumblr](http://bisexvalziam.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [tumblr drabbles](http://youresoawkward.tumblr.com/)


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